I couldn’t tell you the exact day I decided I hated my body but I remember a few instances I noticed...
I grew up up in a blended family. A trophy wife as a step mother complete with her two girls; The tall, lanky model types. I never had the best relationship with them and when I hit puberty, things got a whole lot more complicated. My mother is a curvy, strong German woman. I began to grow into that sort of body type at a young age. By the time I was 16, I had a size DD chest. I’m only 5’2” and thus, 5 extra pounds looks like a lot on my frame. I remember being 124lbs in the 10th grade. After the doctor’s appt., my step-mother handed me the plus sized magazine and said to pick out what I wanted. That’s when I begin to realize that I wasn’t going to be built like a board or a little boy. My family did not see it this way and instead forced me on diets. Hiding all the food, not allowing snacks.
I started to notice I had these giant thighs and all the other girls had “the thigh gap”. I had a clear hourglass shape and all the other girls were built like boards. I looked into surgeries. I had spoken to plastic surgeons. I was determined to look like all the tall, skinny girls.
My senior year of high school I found the world of body building. I began to train like a competitor and set my goal to be like those other girls. No body fat, ripped abs, and a perfect physique. I worked hard. I was happy with myself and my body finally.
Looking back at this time, I should have noticed the obsession I had with working out and the food on my plate.
Years later, I remember coming home from the gym one day and my significant other saying that one of his female clients saw me at the gym and said I looked like a mini version of him with my half shaved head, his company T-shirt on, and all the big muscle. That’s when my self-esteem began to crash. He wouldn’t notice when he’d make comments about the skinny girls on tv, that I was silently deteriorating inside.
He made a comment earlier this month about how my Body was night and day difference from when he first met me. I didn’t believe him. I looked at photos and said I still looked the same. A week later, I was at a doctor’s appt and got weighed. The scale read 97lbs and I was shocked. When I had met my significant other, I was weighing anywhere from 145-150lbs. I had lost over 50lbs. I assumed my lack of mensuration was due to the fact that I was helping him with the tree company. I assumed my lack of energy was from pushing my online business even further. I gave every excuse in the book to myself as to why I allowed myself to become so under weight to ignore the real one; I hated myself.
Over the the last couple weeks, I’ve attempted to make my focus on eating and not being so harsh on myself. But recovery is hard and even harder when you do not have a support system. I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it, so I turned to online articles and Pinterest ideas. I watched YouTube videos of girls struggling through recovery.
I tell myself each morning that I will get up and eat 3 meals that day. Then I get caught up marketing, answering emails, working parttime for another company, and focusing on everything all day that by the time 5pm rolls around, I realize I went another day without a single calorie.
I have have an eating disorder.
I have a terrible relationship with food.
I have a horrific level of self-esteem.
But I don’t know how to fix it.